Newness and Freedom in Surrender

 My 5-Year Tribute to My Jason

On the eve of your five-year anniversary in heaven — your heavenly birthday, the day you met your Creator and Savior face to face — I find myself remembering the moment I was told we needed to get back to the hospital. My colleagues had just come by to bring dinner and visit, and it was cut short by a phone call. I hadn’t even taken the shower I came home for.

The numbness you feel, when deep in your soul you know — without seeing — that the love of your life will no longer be physically with you, hits like a swift kick to the gut. I was in shock. In disbelief. And I simply did not want this to be my new reality.

Should I have done more?
Questions like that creep into your mind from the enemy, when our Savior is simply waiting for our surrender — because all Jesus wants to do is carry our burden. The enemy keeps us trapped in our own thoughts, trying to fix what cannot be fixed. But patiently, like the truest gentleman, the Holy Spirit waits to comfort us.

He stood beside me as I screamed for my husband to come back to life and not leave me. Jesus collected every tear I shed and held them close to His heart.

“You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.
You have recorded each one in Your book.”
— Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

I prayed. I released my pain and gave it to my Redeemer. Jesus asked me to trust Him. He asked me to be still with Him. And He led me onto a new path — the grief road.

Over these past five years, I have stumbled over many boulders along the way:
Loneliness. Separation. Anxiety. Depression. Frustration. Sadness. Fear.
All while trying, in my own way, to control what could not be controlled.

But Jesus walked with me through every step.
And many times, He carried me.

My relationship with the Holy Spirit blossomed into a beautiful love story. As my human husband passed away, I leaned fully into my supernatural One. Sitting alone with Jesus in my home allowed me to develop a deeper understanding of the power and presence of the Holy Spirit who lives within me. He has given me incredible peace throughout these last 1,825 days.

There has also been joy on this hike — because grief and joy often walk together.

This past year has been the most jubilant. God allowed both of our sons to graduate from college where you went to school. He gave them jobs in their chosen fields. He moved our oldest to Chicago. He placed me in a new Christian school where I get to teach Bible, math, science, and even robotics — at Naples Christian Academy, which has been such a gift.

I’ve continued my workouts at Burn Bootcamp, built beautiful friendships, and felt God renewing both my mind and my body for what is ahead.

God is even filling the holes in my heart. I’m traveling again. Hiking again. Standing in mountains and seeing His creation with wonder.

Jason, although I miss you, I am more thankful for you.
We will always share a love that transcends time and space — but I am ready for new adventures.

Newness and Freedom by Surrender are my words for 2026.

The Lord told me I have done well.
And you know what? I believe Him.

I will love you forever, my darling.
— Janet

P.S. I will continue “A Joyful Hike,” because the life God has given me deserves to be lived — and it deserves to be loved.