What Do You Say?

How do you talk to a grieving person?

By: Janet M. Norman

When someone first passes, everybody and their brother comes to give their condolences. Many people attend their person’s Celebration of Life, wake, or funeral. Other times phone calls are made with sincerity. But there are some people that don’t call the widow or widower. They’re excuse is “I just don’t know what to say” or “There isn’t anything I can say that will make them feel better.”  I’m sure there are other phrases people may say, but you get the point. 

The greatest challenges I have faced are the loss of my best friend and the physical loneliness. Everyone is unique in the way they grieve. So one piece of advice is to respect the person’s attitude. They may be angry, sad, and/or complacent. Being a good friend by just being with them and not saying anything is completely fine. While others may feel you don’t care or the person isn’t important to you anymore by not saying anything at all. It just depends on the level of friendship you have with the griever.

When my Jason passed away, I trusted God to have a plan. I didn’t have to like the plan, but I trust He is looking out for my best interest. Hard to consider when your world has completely crashed into ten zillion pieces. Not only did I lose my husband, but our friends that we do things with as a couple. I also lost the connection to my husband’s work colleagues. There are still a few I speak with randomly, but some I haven’t spoke with since his passing. I loved them and now I don’t see them anymore.  

Nonverbal communication is wonderful when trying to console someone. A hug that lasts longer than 10 seconds. Believe it or not, I used to be a very huggable person. Now that my guy isn’t with me, and my sons are away at school, I’ve adapted to not being hugged and it feels weird when someone actually hugs me. I’m sure over time that may change, but grief is not a linear journey. The joyful hike is treacherous. You can Send a meal over a day or two before a birthday, anniversary, or even before a holiday because it really goes a long way especially after the first few months the house is inundated with meals from caring friends and family.  The longer time passes, the more I feel people have forgotten me.  So sending a meal is a really sweet gesture as time goes on  

In the first year as a widow, I was in a state of shock. It took a whole year to grapple over the idea my husband wasn’t coming back through the door. I could still visualize him sitting with me on the couch, eating dinner together, going grocery shopping, and even lying in bed. 

In the second year, I’ve accepted the physical loss as hard as it is and the tears never stop from that realization. With acceptance comes adaptations. I’ve mixed my routine and schedule up a bit. I joined an incredible gym - Burn Bootcamp. All ladies!  The last thing I needed to do was surround myself with men at the gym. All the ladies have embraced me and encouraged me to build my strength through physically demanding workouts. It has been tremendous grief therapy. 

The bottom line is this - doing nothing for a grieving friend is exactly that - nothing. Don’t be that person. Your friend has so many mixed emotions going through their brains and hearts. How do you talk to a grieving person? You listen and let them lead. Just show up, support, edify, and repeat.